Written in the Stars? Welcome to Wholesome Astrology!
And to the first edition of Stardigging Drum Covers.
There was a reason why I was keen to wrap up our Jubilee 23 burrow, because there are far more expansive and wholesome wombat holes to be exploring.
One, in particular, is Astrology. In fact, as I mentioned last post, I have now officially decided to be an Astrologer (Astrologist?). Not the most well-trodden career path after Urban Planning and Disability Work perhaps, but also a bit more likely to bring in an income than full-time conspiracy — as well as being a more positive and practical application for all the occulted digging I have undertaken over the last 4 or so years.
I have been generally interested in Astrology for a while, however it was only last year — when I had a reading done by a Conspiratorial Vedic Sidereal Astrologer (true story) — that things properly clicked. Basically: I realised I had found the light of the conspiratorial tunnel I had become trapped within since I moved to my current home town of Esperance in 2019 — a medium to transform all the esoteric knowledge I have gathered into something spiritually uplifting and healing.
The last 6 months, and the last few months in particular, have been a crash course in Astrological mythology, theory and practice (hence why I have been a bit quieter than usual, haikus notwithstanding). While I am still (with the help of several friends/guinea pigs, who will hopefully forgive me one day) working through some of the more technical aspects of chart readings — particularly the importance of planetary aspects and how they influence the overall energies of a birth chart — I feel like I am now at the stage where I can confidently call myself an Astrologer.
So: why does the world need another Astrologer… and a conspiratorial one at that?
I have many potential catchphrases for you. How about: Make Astrology Great (and fun) Again?
In a nut shell, my Wholesome Astrology vision is comprised of four core elements, channelling similar energies as their respective Zodiac Signs:
Harmonising the Heavens (Air: intellect, balance, communication);
Sunset Stargazings (Earth: earthly beauty, grounding, humility);
Conspiratorial Celebrity Horoscopes (Water: deep, emotionally sensitive, taboo);
Stardigging Drum Covers (Fire: bold, creative, adventurous).
Given this will be my primary professional endeavour (hopefully), I will be donning my PhD mortarboard in the immediate future to demonstrate my skillset.
The next few posts will explain my preferred methodology for practicing Astrology, and why I believe it represents an evidence-based and observable (i.e. verified non woo-woo) approach to deciphering the wisdom of the Skyclock. Combining aspects of Tropical, Sidereal, Vedic and Evolutionary Astrology, this “Harmonising the Heavens” approach forms the basis of my Personalised Wholistic Birth Chart Report service, as well as all my other Astrological musings within elements 2 to 4 above (which shall remain free).
To seal the deal, and before we get to the grand Wholesome Astrology launch party that will be Orange Man’s chart (where else could I start?), I will offer up myself on the alter of the Sky Gods/gods: using my own birth chart as an example for how a true understanding of Astrology can help us unlock the deeper aspects of our personality and purpose.
Before then… let’s have some Leo Sun fun, shall we.
Welcome to Wholesome Astrology!
What is Wholesome Astrology? Let me try and explain through my own chart.
Submitting to Pluto in my 8th House (the lord of the underworld in the home of the conspiracy theorist, no less!), expect wholesomely provocative deep dives into the practice, theory and mythology of the most ancient of human sciences: the study of the ever-present and ever-rotating Sky Clock above us.
Honouring my adventurous Sagittarius Moon, expect short sunset videos from some of the most spectacular locations across the South-West of Australia.
When captured simultaneously by my Mars in Leo and Venus in Cancer, expect these to come in the form of occasionally bitchy and gossipy breakdowns of what the stars above say about the biggest Stars below.
And, most entertainingly — as I come to terms with having my Sun, Mercury, Venus and Mars conjunct in the 5th House of creative expression — expect drum covers of some of the greatest pop culture musical artefacts, as we see them through new eyes as artistic manifestations of the Astrology of their creators.
Where better to start than this duet from the musical Aida, which gets to the heart of The Skyclock Conspiracy: are we all just participants in a grand script that has been quite literally Written in the Stars?
The song is melodramatic AF, sure, as one would expect from someone with EJ's emotion-ruling Moon in the 5th House: dramatising a doomed romance into an existential crisis about fate, free will, and — ultimately, given the title — the occulted role of the Luminaries in this cosmic drama.
But when you find out his Pluto also happens to be lodged way in the 8th House (that’s assuming we can trust the unverified birth date that the internet has bestowed upon him), we might conclude that such existentialism was unavoidable.
Of course, you could argue that Elton John’s chart is irrelevant, given he notoriously outsourced proper songwriting duties throughout his career. Heck, even for this song, Lyricist Tim Rice has official co-songwriting honours.
Maybe that’s just the patriarchy talking. Perhaps we should be looking more at LeAnn Rimes’ chart, given she clearly steals the show here?
Regardless: some of the greatest philosophical questions of our reality start to reveal themselves if you stare at that chorus long enough.
Are we stuck in a cosmic karmic loop, repenting for alleged past misdeeds?
Is God just another power-tripping lab-coat-wearer: hijacking humanity for its own sick experimental game?
Are we all just star-crossed lovers, as Shakespeare once proposed: rising and retrograding out of each other's lives?
Or is the influence of the Luminaries now more akin the images on my favourite Skyclock shirt: still recognisable, but faded and obscured by the passage of life and time (not to mention human free will and projection)?
I’m not promising you any answers: but you won’t find a better place to dig into these questions than Wholesome Astrology.